Beauty in the Breakdown.

I can't seem to get over the fact of how not in control I am of my life, (in the bigger scheme of things that is). Sometimes when I would ponder this I would quickly be overcome with the overwhelming awareness of how small I am, in the midst of a huge universe, and at the grace of a very big God. I hate to use this as a learning experience, but for my thought process it was. Yesterday evening I started barfing. I mean barfing my brains out, every 20 minutes, no matter if I had anything in my stomach or not. This went on for 10 hours straight. I've never puked that much in my entire life. I was in pain, I felt disgusting, and I was exhausted. While I was laying on the bathroom floor at 2 a.m. thoughts worked through my mind of how much I am at the mercy of my circumstances. I wanted to stop puking SO badly, but no matter how much I WANTED it to stop, I was going to keep puking until that virus worked it's way through my body. No matter how much I WANT a certain job, sometimes I'm not going to get it, no matter how much I WANT to get better, sometimes it's going to take awhile, and no matter how much I WANT a boy to want me, sometimes...it's just not going to happen. And wanting it more and more won't change anything, because I am at the mercy of my circumstances, and I stand humbled, and in awe of our Almighty Creator.
Tonight I went to Student Led Chapel, it still doesn't feel that great to stand because my stomach and back muscles are still sore, but there is something unexplainably comforting about entering into the presence of God when you are at your weakest. As I let God mush around into my heart tonight, I started laughing at how much I really do want to be in control of my life and how much I'm not. I started wrestling with how much I don't trust Him sometimes. I really think that I need to take things into my own hands a lot of times instead of trusting that as long as I'm following what He's leading me to do, that He has the best intentions for me and He will provide. I give myself too much credit too often. As if I really can control the outcomes to way more circumstances than I can in all reality. I forget that everything really, truly, is Gods. My future, my money, my heart. My HEART. My heart belongs to the King. The one that breathed life into me, that has ordained my steps. The one that is pursuing and SEEKING my heart. It is His. I am His.
I have so much to learn.
"...Pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them." 1 Timothy 2:1
Until after my slumber...